i give you fair warning to stop reading now if you are looking for a funny or cute story about KR.
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OK, so for those of you still reading, i'm about to vent a little (probably a lot, but i'm not sure yet cause i'm still writing/typing).
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it's not easy being a psuedo-mom. i don't even know how to compare it with being the biological parent of a (gasp!) soon-to-be-toddler. i mean, sure nursing/pumping my body of all it's fluids for 8 months straight, not having had a full nights' sleep in 15 months, eating partial meals on-the-go, and re-developing a distinct mommy pooch due to my non-nursing status and failure to consistently hit the gym, yada, yada...these are all difficult things to deal with. but something happens inside your body and soul when you carry a child and birth it. there is a shift in your personality and in your make-up (no, not maybelline) that causes you to desire to do everything in your power to make this little person's life as wonderful as possible. but, y'all, being a step-parent is seriously very very very hard work!
gestation, however long it may be, allows you time to grow into a new identity. to deal with your emotions and feelings regarding the forever-changed status of your life and to grow to love it and welcome it and be happy with it. the nervousness one might have with infants and the like is oftentimes immediately extinguished once you see your child for the first time. BUT, being engaged for 1 year hardly prepares you for the challenges of an instant family.
...and let me pause here to say that in no way am i complaining or regretting or second-guessing. i just needed a safe space to express these thoughts and feelings with people who love me (all 3 of my readers). i have held on to these feelings for quite a while now and i just want to let them out.
i love my step-children dearly, and we have had some amazing times created long-lasting memories. with a biological child, you have time to grow together. i firmly believe that the reason God designed us not to have lasting memories before the age of 2-3 (or sometime later for some folks) is because he didn't want us to remember the poor skills and downright mental breakdowns of our parents! with a biological child, you get to learn your parenting style, discipline, etc through trial and error with no serious long-lasting harm. however, with a step-child (assuming they are not infants when you meet them), there's a tremendous amount of pressure--perhaps self-inflicted?--to have your parenting-game face on at all times and to know what you are doing. and, y'all, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!
it was difficult for me to adjust from cooking for 1 (which often consisted of an entire box of captain crunch peanut butter cereal and a carton of silk soy light vanilla milk...don't judge) to cooking for 6, and now 7 since KR eats like a 3 year-old...i mean chicken nuggets, spaghetti and all! i've told my sisters-in-law that i think i've shut down in the kitchen because i'm overwhelmed with the thought of cooking essentially a thanksgiving dinner every night (after waking up between 5 and 5:45 am and working all day and picking up kids from school, and bath time and checking homework, and rocking little one to sleep...oh, and not-writing that cloud of a dissertation that's still hanging over my head). THANK GOD for AH (our soon-to-be 18 year-old)...if she didn't help out so much around the kitchen, everyone would be on my captain crunch diet...seriously.
pregnancy, labor and delivery, and nursing take on a whole new meaning in front of an audience of two teenagers and two elementary school students. all of my friends (those who have had children) enjoyed the luxury of walking around their homes naked or semi-nude during the latter (very hot) pregnancy months and bare-chested during or post-nursing sessions. i would have loved to be able to watch tv and nurse in my own home without having to fishout the blasted nursing cover. again, not complaining, just venting on some of the quirks and difficulties on blended families.
all my friends know that i have very little patience with things that i consider to be foolish or nonsense. teenagers are full of foolishness, so i am challenged daily to keep my composure and maintain a calm disposition as much as possible...and discipline as a step-parent honestly consists of nothing more than empty threats. your hands are really tied in most cases and you have to defer to the bio-parental unit to handle the dirty jobs...lest you create an unruly environment in which the phrase "you are not my mother" festers in the hearts of the spawn...mind you, i have never had this phrase muttered, but it's kind of like the monster in the closet when you're a child. you've never seen it, but the stealthy thing is certainly lingering in the shadows, right?
my dear husband does an amazing job filtering things for me and explaining that some things come with parenthood, not just step-parenthood. however, since i've never done this before, it's quite difficult not to take things personally.
anyway, that's enough ranting for now i guess. plenty of other things to get off my chest later (i.e.when i'm not at work). i hope i didn't depress you guys too much.
9.03.2009
Step-parentdom...dum dum dum....
Posted by Nadi at 10:55 AM
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5 comments:
Great post...simply great. I clearly have no right to say, "I hear ya! Right on! I feel your pain..." Well, the early wake-ups and nursing debacles, sure. BUT, I wanted to validate your feelings and just acknowledge how amazed I am that you are raising an enormous family, caring for a dog, your husband, yourself...oh, and throw a PhD into the mix why not?
It must be tough. It must suck some days--and it also must be brilliant and wonderfully chaotic. But let's really sit with the fact that you are confronted with such amazing tasks and responsibilities. I am humbled.
And I totally wanted to acknowledge that there is a luxury (sick as it sounds) in being able to walk around topless with your udders, or use the bathroom with the door open. I am just now thinking, "when am I going to have to NOT get naked in front of Miles before I take a shower?" It was just a luxury I was given that until reading your post, never really thought about. And let me just also validate--I don't live with teenagers, I just have a husband who teaches them all day and OH MY GOSH--were we that dramatic? (well, I guess I still am...). Toddlers--exhausting. Teenagers--just as exhausting, but they don't respond to tummy zerberts or "tickle monster" in quite the same way. And as you note, the added component of being a step-mother must be a challenge.
Please know in your wonderfully honest and telling post, it is so clear how much you love your entire family, and I want to reflect that back to you. But I also applaud your honesty about the difficulties. I just get a high off of mommy honesty b/c I truly think there are so many moms who struggle in silence b/c of the expectations of what it "should be like."
Finally, I wanted to say that I hope we can get together sometime. I would love to steal you away from the fam for a bit (I'll bring over the Cap'n Crunch to cover for the night...) to hang out and talk sometime. Being a mom isn't always about finding someone who can say, "I know exactly how you feel" because situations are so unique, but sometimes being a mom is about finding other moms and saying, "I totally hear you...let's get another drink and riff some more!"
I am not a mom (duh!) nor am I am step-mom but I too just wanted to throw some validation out there. I honestly admire you so much and all that you are handling. It is very clear that you love your entire family and it is only natural that you would want to vent from time to time. I think it's great that you can let it all out there and be honest with yourself. I think that is a great quality that your children will most certainly benefit from. :)
P.S. I had berry berry kix for dinner monday night. love the cereal dinners!
Ladies, thank you so much for your kind words and support (and lack of jugement)...i was really afraid of that. well, not from you two but ali is right...there are so many women who are afraid to say their truths because of the enormous pressure of being super woman...i am so thankful to have been able to release that little snipit of my feelings and to have it accepted and just heard!
ali, we definitely have to get together since we live so close (and we keep saying it).
do you want to take the kids to the zoo sometime?
(meaning just the babies...i don't want to completely overwhelm you with my brood...lol)
Renata, it is refreshing to hear that the insta-family is not always easy. That is a lot to take on, and you have handled it so wisely and with such love. Feel free to vent when you need to. Although parenthood is so rewarding, it is also the biggest challenge in life--and you are doing it many times over and coming in during some of the toughest years. What you said about the benefit of growing together is so true--I can't even begin to imagine being mom to so many kids of various ages at this point. I am sure they appreciate you, though, even when they push your buttons and fail to show it.
I am trying desperately not to sound too hallmark-ish, not to go way over the top on my response but really, truly, you are amazing. Period. Point blank. You gift us (and I suspect it is more than 3) with your words of honesty, vulnerability and truth - and give others the courage to have a (refreshing) moment of authenticity. Life isn't easy. Sometimes you just want five more minutes to sleep, one less chaotic moment at home..etc. There is no doubt your life is full. Your life is hectic. And your life is incredibly, wonderfully saturated with love. I think having a "wow...this is hard" moment is as needed and necessary as having a "wow...this is fantastic" moment. We all need to acknowledge and speak the truth of our complicated, messy lives so that others realize it is okay to speak the truth about theirs. It is a beautiful web that should connect us all.
When you speak all the things are your plate it is pretty super-woman-ish to imagine. But...you know what dear Nata? You are a SUPERwoman. So hug yourself from afar for me. And hug your crew of young and old (sorry E! :).
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